This story was originally published on mynorthwest.com.
This isn’t your typical “how to stop the fighting” advice.
Sibling rivalry isn’t just about fighting over toys or who gets the front seat. Dr. Becky, the clinical psychologist behind the “Good Inside” YouTube series, believes sibling rivalry isn’t necessarily a problem. It’s a training ground for lifelong relationship skills.
First, let’s understand how and why adding a new sibling can turn your firstborn’s world upside down.
“Imagine you come home. I would come home to my husband, and this is what he would say to me: Becky, I have amazing news to share with you, OK? I’m getting a second wife,” Becky said. “You’re going to be big wife, and she’s going to be little wife, and you guys are going to be best friends, and it’s going to be amazing, and we’re going to be one big, happy family.”
Regardless of whether you’re a wife, husband, or partner, you may feel like, who is this person? And I’m supposed to accept their existence with a smile?
Well, that is what it can feel like for a child to welcome a new sibling.
What sibling rivalry is really about
“So often when our kids are kind of doubting their place in the family, or feeling not as confident as they want to or maybe feeling a little disconnected from us, their sibling starts to look like their enemy, not their teammate,” Becky said.
Let’s say your kids are arguing about whose holding the remote control, or something very common in my family right now — who gets to choose the songs during car rides. Dr. Becky said the fastest thing to do is to resolve the conflict for them.
“But if that’s always what’s happening, we are actually locking ourselves into a job we don’t want,” Becky said.
So she invites parents to work themselves out of the job of conflict resolution on their kids’ behalf.
“When our kids are in their 20s and 30s, and one of them gets married, and one of them is having a successful career, and one of them has some very big house and the other one doesn’t have those things, you know, what’s going to happen?” Becky asked. “There’s going to be jealousy. There’s going to be hurt feelings. There’s going to be discomfort, and if all we’re trying to do when our kids are younger is kind of optimize for peace all the time, they’re actually not going to have the skills they need to negotiate even bigger sibling issues when they’re older.”
Her advice? The single biggest thing kids need to get along with their siblings is more one-on-one time with parents.
When your kids are arguing, it’s not a sign they’re never going to be close. It’s not a sign you’re a failure. It’s just an opportunity for you to teach them skills so they can draw on them when they’re older.
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